... whatever

Rattlings

I've been back at work 4 days now. I can definitely see what things rattle me and set me off. Salty finance bitch... my coworker who talks too fast and runs around like the world is ending (the sweetest gal anywhere though), stupid people calling me with stupid questions.

Can't very well get away from stupid people, they're everywhere. Can't get away from annoying coworkers (nice or not) so it's just something I've got to deal with... but how without it setting me over the edge? It's these rattlings I heard in my head... not like a snake, cause I hate those, but more like a shaking and I feel like I have to clench down and hang on. I now recognize that as anxiety and the beginnings of hypomania. And I think I can start to see it coming and work on the mental fight.

This morning I had to do some deep breathing and nearly took a xanax, but I didn't need it after all. I started feeling some guilt about only pulling 1/2 my load at work right now, but then I talked to my other coworker (not the spazz) and feel better about that.

Bottom line is I just don't want to work FT anymore. I don't. Again Jay mentioned selling the house... we can't buy anything as nice as we have now unless we moved about 70 miles out from the city. Is that a sacrifice I'm willing to take? Not sure yet. I've got to find something that works with the school schedule... off by 2:30. There's got to be something out there.

I'm wiped out. Gonna go take a nap before I get the girls at 3:40. I'm pretty much only feeling depressed in the mornings before I get up. Then I'm feeling lots of anxiety around 5pm -  dinner and homework time. See? The PT thing would help with that.

the weather channel

I used to give Jay shit about watching nothing but the weather channel. But when there are major storms (hurricanes) I get a kick out TWC. I laugh at the fools out in the wind, I'm curious about how people handle it and what kind of flooding happens.

And I'm also very concerned because I'm responsible for the Mid Atlantic and North East regions at work. So if we have store closings, I'm on it and have to adjust advertising as necessary. You can imagine what the SE regional analyst had to do last year with Katrina in both Florida and New Orleans.

So I'm a weather freak now too. And Jimmy Kimmel is on now so I must sign off :-)

cautiously optimistic

Sorry for not posting in awhile. I've been busy reflecting, making changes nd getting back to work!

I started back 4 hours a day on Wednesday. Today was the first day that I started seeing the stressors that piss me off. Going to avoid them or do lots of deep breathing. But I jumped right back in and knew what I was doing. It was like riding a bike! But getting back on the bike is just as easy as falling off a bike. So I'm very cautious.

I leave at 12:30 and come home. Depending on how exhausted I am, I'll either nap, clean up, read or watch tv. It's that down time that makes a difference to me. I pick up my kids around 4pm and we do homework, after school snacks and silly stuff. I LOVE that part of my day!!! It's so different than coming home at 6 and not even eating dinner till 7pm then kids in bed at 8pm. That is a nightmare that I'll dread as the weeks go by. I have 2 more weeks of half time and then I think I'll ask for 1-2 weeks of 6hr days.

I've got to find something else. We're doing ok with the loss of income, but we're also using up some savings. I don't want to live that way, I'd rather be able to save up for new furniture, new flooring and just homey stuff that requires some saving. I've stayed out of the stores, off eBay and send Jay to the grocery store.

I can see a big difference in my kids too. They need me to be more available for them. Monster and networking... here I come.

Monique thought I was spinning earlier this week, but I think my energy and motivation is starting to come back. It's not as high as I want it, but I know if it were higher that would spell trouble. My boss is very understanding but I get weird vibes from some freaks! lol

I continue to pray each night as my LDS friends taught me. I am asking for their ministry to help me become a stronger, better individual. In therapy, Jay attended last week. He said some things that REALLY hit home. He felt like I needed to get my ass out of bed... that sometimes I probably felt fine but didn't want to help with the kids or be a mom an wife.

At first I was very hurt that he would say that and then I realized he was right. I withdraw from my family when I'm down or not feeling "on." He's affected, the girls are affected and I affect myself by not facing it and getting my ass out there to work through it and learn from it. That is my true focus right now... hence the reduction in posts. I do still lurk and check on y'all, but I may post less for a bit.

I'm on my way but I've got to see the light with God, be an active part of my family and add in some exercises to improve my self image. It's a long road, but with Jay supporting me and wanting me to change though helping myself, it will be a great turn around for me. And I'm excited to see what comes of it -- from the job I secure to the help I can give Faith with school work to the play time with Grace. Who knows... we might be able to purchase bedroom furniture AND put a new floor in the family room. They may seem petty and materialistic, but they are goals we have and the more I stay out of the stores, the more likely we hit those goals.

I'm feeling cautiously optimistic,,, sort of like getting off a plane in a new city, getting a rental car and having no idea how to get anywhere.  And (lil  & littlest sis) don't fall over... Dad called me tonight to check on me. He said he was really concerned and wanted to know how I was doing after going back to work. He just doesn't do those things. We ended up talking for a good 30+ minutes. That meant a whole lot to me... makes me realize he does have some love and concern in there for me, despite and jerk he can be.

I'm building a new me and by the time she hits 40, she will be strong, happy and a great mom & wife who has bipolar disorder. Wish me luck!

where is the serenity?

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Neibuhr

I can't stop thinking about how much I have been my dad - my very fear in life. I tried so hard not to yell or judge like him. I don't judge or criticize as much as I used to. I don't do the things he did to others. But I do the things he did to himself which then destroyed the very hearts of us (me, little sis and littlest sis.) I destroy myself on the inside and am so selfish that I don't see the truth. I must act quickly to make up the time I have lost and heal wounds before they get too deep. It's not about sympathy for me. It's about ridding myself of selfishness and self-centeredness. I've got some conscious, difficult changes to make.

You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

Eleanor Roosevelt

"What you find in your mind is what you put there. Put good things in there."

Mary Ford

A dose of real

Had my first session with Jay at Monique's. It blew me away.

Jay thinks that I don't want to help myself, that I'd stay in bed for the rest of my life if I could. That he hates our kids see me like this. He hates that he has a 3rd kid - me. He wants me to get better but doesn't know what else to do for me because at some point, it has to be me wanting to get better.

He told me today (in session) that he thinks I do some of it on purpose to get sympathy. That's some really deep shit that I have to think about for awhile. I know that I'm very much like my dad... but... It pains me to learn that he thinks that. PAINS me cause I really don't think it's true.

I have a group of girlfriends who I scrapbook with... the hens. We've known each other since 1998 and we have an email group. I rarely share my illness with them but they know about it. I share deep thoughts when I'd like some prayers and extra thoughts to lift me out of the darkness. Jay thinks that I get on hens email and whimper about life to get sympathy. He's just wrong about that... about them. I'm not sure about wanting sympathy from the rest of the world. It bugs me when people actively look for sympathy. Could I possibly be one of them?

How much of it is biological? mental? just not wanting to face the world? wanting to die? unable to think about anything but a black hole?

When do I say.. ok, the meds have done all they can, there is no magic pill you've got to SUCK IT UP and shake it. I don't feel like I have it in me... but why not? Because I hate myself.

Honestly, I think the other 50% of my BP has more to do with my dad than it does with me... or am I making more excuses? When is it time for me to say "I'm wrong?" And when does "I hate myself" mean more than a suicidal tendency... it means you really do hate yourself... so much so that you don't want to face the rest of your life - you'd rather stay in bed and stay inside.

What am I afraid of?

LOVE this quote

"Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who are alive.”

Howard Thurman

hmmm

Been doing a LOT of thinking in the past 48 hours. Here's what I've come up with.

• I want to care for my family (cooking, cleaning and just being there) instead of being sick all the time. They NEED me to be there for them, BP and all
• I can't not work right off the bat. I am stabilizing now (meds are working) and we've made recent purchasing decisions based on 2 incomes. So 6 months from now, things look different.
• Not sure if my current employer will be creative with me or even accommodate me. They have a very poor reputation about being flexible with people.
• Ideally, I want to work 3 days a week and be done by 3/3:30 so I can be with my kids. I made a call to someone who owns his own business and loves to get good people. I asked if he wanted my resume and he said "No, I know all about Iowacorn-ster" Pretty cool!
• I'm going to pray every night. I'm going to have a list of things I'm thankful for from that day and also one thing I want to do better.
• I can't work a corporate job and be a good mom without being sick and having too many episodes. I'm debilitating myself.
• PayPal and eBay are no more. I'm deactivating the accounts tonight.
• I'm going to replace "I hate myself" with memories of my kids interacting with me and having fun -- Faith and I painted Sun afternoon. Grace gave me a big tight squeeze when I got her from mom's on Mon. That's the good shit.
• I'm scared shitless to go back to work Monday. And I can't get my doc to tell me how many hours. The physician's assistant was supposed to call Monique today so we can get a final number of hours determined. HR is asking for it like crazy.
• I had to get a benefits form off the intranet at work and was out anyway. I could have had a coworker email the form, but instead I popped in the office. It was weird. I didn't see many people, but the ones I did were glad to see that I was ok. I think it was good to go back today for awhile.

I'd say today was a good day. And it started with a phenomenal session with Monique. She's great!

really feel like

if I just did something and left my family, everything would be easier on them. NOT suicidal. Seriously not, just the death thoughts keep coming -- suicidal ideology, right? Going to Monique tomorrow and then my p-doc. I still have no idea what he is going to recommend for a slow return.

I'm scared shitless to go back to work next week. Right now I feel so frail that any sort of quick thinking or remembering a million things will set me over the edge again.

Jay and I had a super long talk last night.. and again tonight. Just trying to figure out where we go from here. I really want to get back on my zoloft. I took 1 or 1/2 of a 25mg pill every day and felt GREAT on that med. I just don't feel like I'm shaking the depression. What if I never do and this is it?

I read today that the more severe episodes (highly manic or suicidal) one has, the more likely they are to have episodes triggered by stress. I feel like I've done nothing but cycle, up/down/mixed since December of last year.

Yet I had a FANTASTIC weekend with Faith's party stuff. TOTAL blast with that... Libby Lu makeovers, fashion show, High School Musical (WAY TOO MUCH) and playing barbies. My sister and friend stayed late to help me and it was probably a birthday Faith will always remember. I love that I was able to pull that off for her.

But Sunday I slept till 9am and then slept from noon-4pm. I feel like I could sleep for days and days and never feel energetic. The answers are here though: 1) meditation & stretching before bed; 2) exercise; 3) getting some fresh air (once it gets below 105 degrees).   

I hope this is not how I feel the rest of my life. I feel like my face is heavy -- like it's a big deal to smile on purpose.

Today's accomplishments

• Got Faith ready for the bus @ 7:30
• Napped till 10am
• Showered
• Called HR... again
• Called p-doc... again
• Picked up Grace and had lunch w. Mom & Dad
• Ran errands to Target & Party City
• Did 3 loads of laundry
• Changed sheets on the bed
• read while Grace napped
• Cooked dinner
• Watched HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL (again) w. Faith

That's quite a bit, actually. Not sure why I was so down on myself today...

Cycling

And I don't mean bicycling.

Just read back through my June/July/August posts... boy have I been up and down. I can start to see a pattern when my irritability starts in, hang on... cause soon after there will be a big crash!

I am seeing a drastic change in moods about ever 10-14 days. That's pretty fast. I can see areas where the ups and downs overlap too. Is it rapid cycling if you cycle within one day, or is it just a bad morning?

Work was really stressing me out in late July/early August. The stupid agency pushed me over the edge when my meds were being changed and I was weaker becasue of that. When I'd work late, I'd start getting irritable with my family. That's not cool. Watch for more signals, Iowa... they're out there and some day you'll predict... you'll predict..... whatever

Seriously though. It's 1:15am and I'm still going strong. Didn't take my nighttime meds and I'm feeling hypomanic. I'm concerned. Nap tomorrow and early to bed so I'm ready for Sat. GOT to hang on till Sunday afternoon when the girls leave.