not sure

Haven't posted in awhile cause I'm not sure what to say. Things continue to go well and I'm gaining ground in the fight for balance.

We had a phenomenal family weekend - movie nite Fri, lunch out Sat, dinner out Sat for our 11th anniversary. It was a BLAST! Sunday, I went scrapping with Nicole and got some fun things done - including a page of a hilarious picture of Grace in Faith's shoes. The girls went to Jay's dad's and played outside. Faith learned how to ride her bike with no training wheels!!! IN ONE DAY! I am so proud of her! And Gracie girl is doing well on her tricycle too.

Monday was a downer day though. I stayed home and in bed. I OD'd on 9-11 stuff and knew it would mess me up. Tuesday was tough, went in late, but today I feel back on track. This is my last week of 4hr days and I'm bummed... I'm enjoying my bon-bon eating life! HA! Oh, but really, I don't have a doc right now so how can I be released? ;-)  see below

Bad news is that my insurance company does not have a contract with my p-doc. He claims to have tried numerous times to get the contract in. Found out Tuesday... no more visits. The end. Have to find another doc or pay $100 out of pocket for each visit. F'king great. I was supposed to go today but had to cancel. The one thing I wanted to do was step off Lexapro and step up on 12.5-25mg of Zoloft. It has always helped my depression SO MUCH. I'm feeling a lot more anxiety... or perhaps I'm just way more aware of it. I feel like I take a LOT of Xanax now, but still no more than 2-3 full pills a day.

I think I'll just make sure I have refills on my scripts and have Monique help me find a new doc. I'm pissed about the effort it requires to find a p-doc that will see a new patient. Oh well. Jay and his HR department have assured me that Aetna will help. I believe them :-)

Last week with Monique was ASTOUNDING. Huge breakthrough in the dad saga. I have always been mad at him... mad for him being such a shell of a person, mad at him for not making an effort, mad at him for putting on a good show to the extended family or out in public... just MAD! Jay and I did a lot of talking about the types of behaviors I share with my dad -- the ones that separate me from my family and won't allow them to get close to me. The very behaviors that make me MAD at my dad.

So then I started crying about the whole thing. And I said this (my a-ha moment) to Monique

"I don't think he's a bad person. I don't think he woke up every morning and said I'm going to inflict pain on my wife and children just to make them hurt the rest of their lives. I don't believe that I do that either, but I still hurt them. Jay's childhood was nothing like mine was.... maybe I didn't LEARN how to be involved and loving. Jay saw a good example of that but I never did. I never learned it. Dad never learned it.

I wonder what happened in his childhood.. was grandpa not around, was grandma angry all the time? What happened to cause this? Hmm... I'll never know because G&G are both gone now and dad won't talk about it the way I want him to. Oh well. How on earth do I LEARN how to be a loving and kind person? You can't just read a book!"

And Monique stopped me.

"The loving God we believe in will lead you to the truth. Your heart is open and waiting and He will take you there."

And that's about all the inspiration I needed for an entire week! We went through ALL of that baggage in about 25 minutes. She told me she never takes 4pm appts but will make them for me becuase she wants to see where I end up... that I'm extremely intuitive and open to change. It was a really great session for me. REALLY GREAT!

Work is going well. It's not everything I think about. It's not all that I am right now and I'm keeping it that way. My friends are reaching out to me and it's awesome. My friend Bryan bought my lunch yesterday. I ususally just leave at 12:30 and eat a protein bar at home... Tues I decided to stay and had a DC CHicken salad from Corner BAkery. YUM! Bryan rocks!.

Jay and I are doing well. I can feel my mood swings more (throughout the day) and tell him what's bugging me -- too many school papers, for example. So we work out a plan... have Faith go through them when she gets home. Sometimes the thought of the pile of papers is so huge that I can't even think of a solution... it just BUGS ME.

My current goal is to let go of the " THAT REALLY BUGS THE SHIT OUT OF ME" response. There's a lot more fun stuff to do when you're not pissed off about everything.

Comments

[Ol Lady]

:( :( :( :( :(
missing you!

[moo]

I think what you "do with that" is accept him for who he is and don't let his lack of "p.c." if you will, hurt you. Just remember you're trying to better yourself for your childrens' sake - they see everything you do and they take mental notes, just like we did. They see when you blow steam, when you cry, when you take offense and so on. They also see how you can wipe your mental plate clean and start fresh every day, or every hour (whatever the case may be). Don't let his offenses continue to injure. Just be who you are and let him be who he is - when you collide, pick up the pieces, wipe your plate clean and start over again, reminding yourself that he's VERY different from you. This is all REALLY easy to do.... in theory. I know all 3 of us are at different places with all of this and we all handle it totally different ways. You just have to find what works for you and own it. Then respect the others for the ways they have chosen to live with it all, because maybe what works for you, won't work for them and vice versa.

[Lizard]

In response to Sharia and Ol Lady speaking of abusive and/or neglectful childhoods:

I think the statements below can be a useful guide to anyone who has been abused as a child. Some of these occur only when you have chosen another abusive relationship after leaving your parents, but they also can be read from the point of view of how you want your CHILDREN (don't know if either of you have any) to respond to abusive people.

For me, being a good parent is not only being loving and kind, but also teaching my children how to NOT allow me or anyone else to be over angry, violent, neglectful or disrespectful toward them. I want to teach my children to be strong like I never was so they don't doubt what is normal, and doubt or belittle their own worth.

I "listen" to them when they throw a fit, or scream at me or don't want to be around me. My children's behaviors (both positive and negative) are a very good indicator of how and what they are learning from me. When I put down my guard and really observe, I learn how well I am doing.

Through the process of self evaluation over the years, with pro assistance and without, I have learned that when someone says something that makes your blood boil- 50% of the time they are right. The other 50: they either don't know you, they are just really angry and not filtering their words and emotions, or they are being intentionally abusive.

- Listen to your Intuition, Higher Power, Inner Child: suspect that abuse is
indeed happening if you hear rumblings
- Get outside validation that the abuse is occurring (meetings, therapists,
etc)
- Gradually gather awareness and strength to put the abuse down
- Learn NOT to pick up abuse, as an addict learns not to pick up his drink,
his food, his drugs, his work, his anger - one day at a time
- Prepare exit lines ("I have to call Chicago now"), and walk away from any
situation which threatens to become abusive

AS A RESULT, either: - the abuse will stop
- or you'll be asked to leave
- or you'll CHOOSE to leave the situation, for good!

Any of these actions will be a step towards reintegrating your personality
and living freely - and happily.

Anyway- sorry so long. Thanks for reading. God Bless. Lizard

[Lizard]

I don't think Dad was intentional either. I just have a hard time relating with him still, because he doesn't REALIZE the impact he still has when he is degrading or negative or whatever. (LOL that I used whatever!) He just has never stopped. So even with understanding that it isn't intentional, he has no desire to change either. What do you DO with that?? I just don't know how to deal with that.
Lizard

[Lizard]

I don't think Dad was intentional either. I just have a hard time relating with him still, because he doesn't REALIZE the impact he still has when he is degrading or negative or whatever. (LOL that I used whatever!) He just has never stopped. So even with understanding that it isn't intentional, he has no desire to change either. What do you DO with that?? I just don't know how to deal with that.
Lizard

[Ol Lady]

I have been checking on you each day and I am so glad that you are back :) Trying to figure out why we are the way we are because of our childhood is a very difficult thing to do. I woke up one day and decided...fuck it! I will be who I want to be and not what my parents were (grew up in a very abusive home). I am spiritual not religious and I find that it helps me alot. Hope you find who you want to be soon. :)

[Sharla]

Hey, I responded to your "intense gas reaction" on my blog about the Omega 3-6-9.... I had the same problem, but with the plain Omega-3 I do just fine.

GIRL- have you been tested for Celiac Disease yet?! Huh?! Huh?! It's a blood test. Of course, I actually test NEGATIVE for it now- six years on a gluten free diet will do that to you, but never fear, if I eat gluten, I get HIGH. I go completely manic. For example, last week I decided to eat at Del Taco. I couldn't remember what was gluten free so I just ordered some tacos.... and two hours later had the gas/bloating/poops and all that. I was like, "oh no" because I knew what would happen and I was right. For the next three days I was mean, irritable, couldn't sleep, and spent $300 on... I have no idea. Stuff. More proof to my argument I was making :)

I understand about the dad thing but in a different way. My dad is a workaholic- so I never saw him. I was always so angry at him that he was gone. Of course, my dad is alive so we've talked about it and I've gotten pretty much over it now, but yeah, it did me a lot of damage. I am raising my kids the same way I saw- I am always in my office, head buried in something, ignoring my family, just like him. I don't want them to grow up and hate me too.

I have frequently said to my mother that "I don't know what normal is. How the HELL am I supposed to be normal?" I had terrible examples of how to BE, and I know you understand me when I say that!!

You seem to be getting into a lot of the spiritual aspect of things, so, in that frame of mind, go get a Bible and look these up. A NIV Bible is easier, I think, than the King James, because it's written in normal words. It is easier to concentrate on what is being read if you READ THEM OUT LOUD. The verses are: Romans 3:23. Think about what this verse says to you. Next, Romans 6:23. What does THIS verse mean to you? John 3:3... and think about the reason that Jesus came to earth. John 14:6... what does this mean? Romans 10:9-11, 2 Corinthians 5:15, Revelation 3:20. I don't want to stuff the Bible down your throat, but, you seemed as if you were looking for answers. If you were seeking the path to salvation, it's right there. I firmly believe when the Bible says that God is always with us, always here, always ready to listen. Just talk!