cautiously optimistic

Sorry for not posting in awhile. I've been busy reflecting, making changes nd getting back to work!

I started back 4 hours a day on Wednesday. Today was the first day that I started seeing the stressors that piss me off. Going to avoid them or do lots of deep breathing. But I jumped right back in and knew what I was doing. It was like riding a bike! But getting back on the bike is just as easy as falling off a bike. So I'm very cautious.

I leave at 12:30 and come home. Depending on how exhausted I am, I'll either nap, clean up, read or watch tv. It's that down time that makes a difference to me. I pick up my kids around 4pm and we do homework, after school snacks and silly stuff. I LOVE that part of my day!!! It's so different than coming home at 6 and not even eating dinner till 7pm then kids in bed at 8pm. That is a nightmare that I'll dread as the weeks go by. I have 2 more weeks of half time and then I think I'll ask for 1-2 weeks of 6hr days.

I've got to find something else. We're doing ok with the loss of income, but we're also using up some savings. I don't want to live that way, I'd rather be able to save up for new furniture, new flooring and just homey stuff that requires some saving. I've stayed out of the stores, off eBay and send Jay to the grocery store.

I can see a big difference in my kids too. They need me to be more available for them. Monster and networking... here I come.

Monique thought I was spinning earlier this week, but I think my energy and motivation is starting to come back. It's not as high as I want it, but I know if it were higher that would spell trouble. My boss is very understanding but I get weird vibes from some freaks! lol

I continue to pray each night as my LDS friends taught me. I am asking for their ministry to help me become a stronger, better individual. In therapy, Jay attended last week. He said some things that REALLY hit home. He felt like I needed to get my ass out of bed... that sometimes I probably felt fine but didn't want to help with the kids or be a mom an wife.

At first I was very hurt that he would say that and then I realized he was right. I withdraw from my family when I'm down or not feeling "on." He's affected, the girls are affected and I affect myself by not facing it and getting my ass out there to work through it and learn from it. That is my true focus right now... hence the reduction in posts. I do still lurk and check on y'all, but I may post less for a bit.

I'm on my way but I've got to see the light with God, be an active part of my family and add in some exercises to improve my self image. It's a long road, but with Jay supporting me and wanting me to change though helping myself, it will be a great turn around for me. And I'm excited to see what comes of it -- from the job I secure to the help I can give Faith with school work to the play time with Grace. Who knows... we might be able to purchase bedroom furniture AND put a new floor in the family room. They may seem petty and materialistic, but they are goals we have and the more I stay out of the stores, the more likely we hit those goals.

I'm feeling cautiously optimistic,,, sort of like getting off a plane in a new city, getting a rental car and having no idea how to get anywhere.  And (lil  & littlest sis) don't fall over... Dad called me tonight to check on me. He said he was really concerned and wanted to know how I was doing after going back to work. He just doesn't do those things. We ended up talking for a good 30+ minutes. That meant a whole lot to me... makes me realize he does have some love and concern in there for me, despite and jerk he can be.

I'm building a new me and by the time she hits 40, she will be strong, happy and a great mom & wife who has bipolar disorder. Wish me luck!

Comments

[Iowacorn]

Thanks guys. I'm taking it slowly. Some days are way better than others. Jay and I do much better when he doesn't clam up... like he's doing this week... grrr...

[Ol Lady]

Keep telling yourself good things and good things will happen

[KansasSunflower]

You sound SO GOOD - Jay is supporting you and he is getting his feelings out and you're both connecting because you now understand each other. You're really helping yourself feel better - doing so much work to do so - I admire that a lot. I know you don't feel 100%, but you are really trying hard, so much more than I am, and you have a lot of courage. You keep inspiring me to go to therapy - I just need to make that call during the day, dangit...and try to decide what the REASON is I'm going...but from your progress - and it's awesome that you have made so much, you're definitely an inspiration.

[Sharla]

Personally I'm Non-Denominational :) but what you believe is your choice.

Personally I pray for peace in the Middle East, but I know that ain't gonna happen. Not because I don't have faith, but because I believe that this is the end times that were in the Bible- hence, ye olde Apocalypse.

How's that for a downer.

Anyhoo, I get along sorta well with my parents.... my mom did this weird thing when I was growing up where I was "guilted". You know, "why are you doing this to me, don't you love me?" when I was acting weird. THAT's about as hard to forgive as straight up beatings. It makes you not trust yourself.