... whatever

TV Addict

Wednesday is my night off, but here's the rest of my weekly schedule - now that the fall season has started...

Sun 9pm - Brothers & Sisters (MUST SEE)

Mon 9pm - CSI Miami (David Caruso is such a billy bad-ass... NOT!)

Tues 7pm - House (MUST SEE)

Tues 8pm The Unit (have you ever seen the gadgets they have on this show?)

Tues 9pm - Nip Tuck (MUST SEE - I will be upset if I miss this show)

Thurs 8pm - Grey's Anatomy (MUST SEE - I CANNOT miss this show)

Thurs 9pm - ER (if I still feel like watching TV, but last week's episode was 5 stars)

We are upgrading to Verizon FIOS cable/tv stuff. We already have Fios internet. Our new package comes with a DVR!!!!! I'm so very excited! This means that all shows that start before 9pm can be watched later and I can interact with the fam - like I should. I'm only this way for the fall season. Idol gets me in the spring season, but that's it.

Gotta go... pretty sure I'm missing something on tv

A friend of mine has this

and I needed one too. Yes, the anger is in check, but I can still laugh and have a good time, right?

You know you're in a good place when...

• You sell 4 bins of scrapbooking stuff and earn $250 in gift card credits at a scrapbook store (new stuff for new projects for another day)
• You get to hang with your best girlfriends all day Saturday when you originally thought you couldn’t  - and your husband has the kids until Sunday night so you can play.
• You get to fondle 3 MILLION sets of Stampin Up stamps and play and create while laughing with your girlfriends
• You laugh so hard you nearly wet yourself… a couple dozen times
• You sleep forever on Sunday just to catch up with the world.
• You feel good Monday morning and are ready to start the week
• You come home Tuesday night, slammed from 2 days of working motherhood
• You’re rushing around to watch your favorite show House but it’s not on because a baseball game is on – ok I’m not missing anything!
• Your husband reminds you that you’ll have a DVR next week so you can really take your time next Tuesday and not miss House
• You look around the kitchen and say – this place is a disaster and your husband agrees that he is just as overwhelmed
• Your husband says, now that you’re back to full time, why don’t you call that cleaning company that Amy recommended.
• Your husband has a meeting at 7:30pm but does the dishes and gives 1 bath before he leaves.

I've been in a good place for about three weeks now. It's been slow coming and takes lots of work staying here. What's different now? I realize that I just can't do it all and don't try to pretend to anymore. I just can't. I know that my behavior directly affects the behavior of my children and they don't like to see me miserable - just as I don't like to see them miserable.

100% of the anger is within my control. And all of that anger controls around 50% of my BP. I felt it building up today and took a Xanax. Then I went outside and walked for awhile... and walked inside for awhile. Thirty minutes later, I was a different person. Three months ago, I would hve gotten pissed and griped. Today, I take a break and think about what my brain needs from me.

I am in tune with my anger, my sleep patterns, my irritation, my eating and I'm not obssessing. I have a list (in my head that I've shared with Jay) of my no-no's. Feeling so irritated and angry this morning that I could barely stand it was a major no-no. Instead of letting it take over, I took over. I ended the day having made a big mistake on a report -- my boss gave me the wrong info. And I laughed about it all the way home to the glass of wine I enjoyed with my feet up. I'll fix it tomorrow. No one will die if it's wrong tonight.

I've found my trigger -- the anger -- and it's all I watch for now. If I'm not sleeping I talk it over with Jay. Monique tells me there WILL be a relapse because BP is a chemical imbalance.... I know that but I don't want to worry about that right now. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

not sure

Haven't posted in awhile cause I'm not sure what to say. Things continue to go well and I'm gaining ground in the fight for balance.

We had a phenomenal family weekend - movie nite Fri, lunch out Sat, dinner out Sat for our 11th anniversary. It was a BLAST! Sunday, I went scrapping with Nicole and got some fun things done - including a page of a hilarious picture of Grace in Faith's shoes. The girls went to Jay's dad's and played outside. Faith learned how to ride her bike with no training wheels!!! IN ONE DAY! I am so proud of her! And Gracie girl is doing well on her tricycle too.

Monday was a downer day though. I stayed home and in bed. I OD'd on 9-11 stuff and knew it would mess me up. Tuesday was tough, went in late, but today I feel back on track. This is my last week of 4hr days and I'm bummed... I'm enjoying my bon-bon eating life! HA! Oh, but really, I don't have a doc right now so how can I be released? ;-)  see below

Bad news is that my insurance company does not have a contract with my p-doc. He claims to have tried numerous times to get the contract in. Found out Tuesday... no more visits. The end. Have to find another doc or pay $100 out of pocket for each visit. F'king great. I was supposed to go today but had to cancel. The one thing I wanted to do was step off Lexapro and step up on 12.5-25mg of Zoloft. It has always helped my depression SO MUCH. I'm feeling a lot more anxiety... or perhaps I'm just way more aware of it. I feel like I take a LOT of Xanax now, but still no more than 2-3 full pills a day.

I think I'll just make sure I have refills on my scripts and have Monique help me find a new doc. I'm pissed about the effort it requires to find a p-doc that will see a new patient. Oh well. Jay and his HR department have assured me that Aetna will help. I believe them :-)

Last week with Monique was ASTOUNDING. Huge breakthrough in the dad saga. I have always been mad at him... mad for him being such a shell of a person, mad at him for not making an effort, mad at him for putting on a good show to the extended family or out in public... just MAD! Jay and I did a lot of talking about the types of behaviors I share with my dad -- the ones that separate me from my family and won't allow them to get close to me. The very behaviors that make me MAD at my dad.

So then I started crying about the whole thing. And I said this (my a-ha moment) to Monique

"I don't think he's a bad person. I don't think he woke up every morning and said I'm going to inflict pain on my wife and children just to make them hurt the rest of their lives. I don't believe that I do that either, but I still hurt them. Jay's childhood was nothing like mine was.... maybe I didn't LEARN how to be involved and loving. Jay saw a good example of that but I never did. I never learned it. Dad never learned it.

I wonder what happened in his childhood.. was grandpa not around, was grandma angry all the time? What happened to cause this? Hmm... I'll never know because G&G are both gone now and dad won't talk about it the way I want him to. Oh well. How on earth do I LEARN how to be a loving and kind person? You can't just read a book!"

And Monique stopped me.

"The loving God we believe in will lead you to the truth. Your heart is open and waiting and He will take you there."

And that's about all the inspiration I needed for an entire week! We went through ALL of that baggage in about 25 minutes. She told me she never takes 4pm appts but will make them for me becuase she wants to see where I end up... that I'm extremely intuitive and open to change. It was a really great session for me. REALLY GREAT!

Work is going well. It's not everything I think about. It's not all that I am right now and I'm keeping it that way. My friends are reaching out to me and it's awesome. My friend Bryan bought my lunch yesterday. I ususally just leave at 12:30 and eat a protein bar at home... Tues I decided to stay and had a DC CHicken salad from Corner BAkery. YUM! Bryan rocks!.

Jay and I are doing well. I can feel my mood swings more (throughout the day) and tell him what's bugging me -- too many school papers, for example. So we work out a plan... have Faith go through them when she gets home. Sometimes the thought of the pile of papers is so huge that I can't even think of a solution... it just BUGS ME.

My current goal is to let go of the " THAT REALLY BUGS THE SHIT OUT OF ME" response. There's a lot more fun stuff to do when you're not pissed off about everything.

Religion

I wanted to make a religious statement cause I just feel like it.

I was raised Catholic and feel nothing when I go to church... other than the urge to sit/stand/kneel when certain words are said.

I admire and love two friends who happen to be LDS. They are good people and have wonderful families. Without converting, they are ministering to me to help me find my way back to a relationship with god.

Can't see that I'll be a devout Catholic, but I've got to find a place where we can all belong (my family.) There is a God, in my very humble opinion, and it's your choice how you thank Him, praise Him or talk to Him. I don't care if you know the words to the prayer that starts "hail holy queen, mother of mercy....."